paintonhigh

mood: apathetic

I don't know how to handle things now that Simone's not here. It's my fault she's gone, I know that. I shot her. In my own studio. In the one place I considered my sanctuary. Now the floor is stained with blood, alongside the mural of my city's destruction. I feel like everything I've laid my hands on recently has perished. And I can't keep it from destroying me. The drugs are my only escape. It's the only way I can forget what I've done.

I tried my hand at creating some new pieces today. The whole morning passed like nothing as I made one picture after another. And when I finally stopped for a moment to review my work and make some finishing touches, I saw they were masterpieces but every single one signified another ill thought. My stomach reeled but I knew they told a story. Every single one is important to the bigger picture.

I tried again tonight and my luck had turned. Shredded paper and cans lie on the floor from my fury and frustration with myself, my inability to do what I want. I can't even bring Simone back. Of all the things I wish I had the power to do, that is the greatest. I want her here and yet at the same time I just want to keep away from everyone else. But that's pretty much the story of our relationship - one minute I'd need her, the next I'd just want to be on my own. I have never been able to find balance with anything before.